Master Homis’ Domain

I hadn’t posted in a while, I had been so caught up in my own self pity, depression that I couldn’t bring myself to write anything. Since the last post, I have had a number of people pushing me to keep going, that things will all be okey in the end. While I did feel better talking to friends, letting out my feelings, I still felt empty inside. A feeling like I had no reason to do anything, be anything, and in terms of the blog, say anything. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I would try to surround myself with people, just to get me out of my own head even if it was for just a short time. When that wasn’t going on I was hearing about who my true friends were, and were not, both from home (what was) and where I m now and having a number of people from around here looking for retribution for things I was not responsible for. While i would never do anything stupid, I had the feeling of “would it be so bad if something happened to me?”, I had gotten reckless in silly things like crossing the street with out bothering to look for traffic, let alone wait for it, I had it in my mind how easy it would be to just have someone run me down, a situation that would not have been in my control.I had just gotten a new job, hung out with with my closest friends, one of which loaned me vehicle till I could get my own. A chance to get back on my feet and begin life again. Even if I did have that empty feeling, it seemed as though I might somehow recover, might have a chance.

Tonight a lot of things changed in my mind. I had gone to work for my second day at this one particular job and finally got out at 11:00. I wanted to ask one of my new coworkers a question, but something came up so I just headed home because I had to give a friend a hand with computer problems and it ws already late. I ended up parking on my family’s front yard, my typical spot, got out of my buddy’s truck and started the walk toward my destination. It’s not uncommon to hear people tearing down the road I was on, way over the speed limit, tonight was no different in hearing that sound coming around the corner. I had turned to look who was coming around, heard the the sound of breaks and the yelling. It seemed as though the person driving was going over 70MPH came around.

Suddenly he was stopped, there was a second between what I saw and feeling the glass from 75 feet away covering me, a second before my mind could register the sound that happened when he stopped. I called 911 while I could hear the driver screaming for help, while his buddy in the car took off running into the woods. All the neighbors came out to see what had happened, a few to see if they could help. One of the neighbors got the driver out of the mangle car onto the road, he hit the ground like an old chewed up ragdoll. In the back seat was another kid, not moving, no one could even see that he was there. The police arrived as well as fire dept and ambulances to deal with the disaster, they found the third kid in the back seat, didn’t seem to think he was going to make it.

I spent a good while writing up my statement for the police, they found the guy that ran off, and had me checked out to make sure that I hadn’t been injured.

If I had waited two minutes it would have been my vehicle instead of the tree that got hit, for some reason tonight I decided to not cross over to the sidewalk and tomorrow I will wake up and continue to walk. That moment tonight was perhaps the end I was looking for, the metaphorical death that I felt I earned. By some luck, I was given another chance to begin life again with just a few scratches.

I feel I can finally sleep, but I do want to continue on this tomorrow, a follow up post and some shots of the property damage that was done.

-Homis

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…was the day that viemoira and I got married. I had high hopes for this past weekend and this day for weeks and weeks, a celebration of our love. I certainly hadn’t expected to spend this night working on a post weeks ago when I had gotten so excited about this day coming up. It is fairly clear from what I’m hearing around that I was meant to be just a fling, a fling that perhaps got out of hand for her. I never intended it that way, I expected to grow old with her. Maybe what I’m hearing about are just acts of anger, either at me, herself, or some outside source. Perhaps in time she will realize that I truly do love her, but from what I understand it’s going to be a rough battle either way on both our parts, and may never be the case. I’m not in a position to do anything besides wait and hope for the best regardless of what the end result will be. I made my vows of standing by her through both the good times and the bad times, I intend to keep them while there is some hope. This is definitely a lonely day, one not to be celebrated, but I will try to keep my spirits up with the thought that she is at least ok and safe. For me, I keep working on old projects, look into new contracts for work since I have no idea how long it will be until a resolution exist.

Beh, enough babble from me, odds are I’ll piss someone off, so I’m off to try to find something to do.

-Homis

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photo credit: Demi-Brooke | photojournalI don’t honestly know what is going to happen, on one side we work things out, on the other she and I move on. That’s all up to her at this point, I’m willing to continue showing her my love, but I don’t know that she wants it.

At this point, I have no say, it’s up to her, she can have the long and drawn out divorce that she seems to be pushing for, or she can accept that she needs help and try to get through the rough times, accept me for who I am, up to her to make that choice. I’ll do what I need to do to get help on my end, but that’s all I can do. I don’t know what she want’s at this point. While I was “master” I had no control, I most certainly have none now. I love her and our family, but I’m pretty sure she would rather just assume I was dead at this point, I was too vocal to be her ex-husband, and not brutal enough to be the man before him.

I’m not entirely sure what she expected of me, I wish I knew when we first met, perhaps that would have given me a chance to prepare for it, or on the other hand given her a chance to move on past me. I loved the woman I met, the woman I spent so much time talking to, but it seems like that isn’t the woman I know (of?) now. I met up with her, got to know her (I thought) and decided I wanted to spend my life with her. I stuck around for all the hard times that had occurred before when everyone else would have left (from what I was told), I laughed at all those that said I was wrong, pointed out the good in her heart and soul.

I was convinced that I could show her a new way, show her what real love was. Not the kind that was bought with cocaine, money, or sex, but rather the real deal. Things had gotten rough between her and I and in the end when she would say I was just going to leave her, I pointed out my vision of us in a nursing home 60 years from now, I thought that I could change a person, make things better, I was wrong. Instead what really changed was me, I jumped onto the BDSM thing thinking it was insane, I thought it was only for a certain scary folk. I went along with it for her and then learned after that it wasn’t what the media made it out to be.

I also learned that the whole “scene” wouldn’t change a person, at least not completely, we did both change, but it never fixed the issues that we had before we got into it. instead I think it only made the issue more difficult to deal with, she had expectations of me that neither I or anyone else could fulfill (my opinion), and for me I had hopes that I would be able to control the situation. I had no training, no clue how to be the “master” that she wanted. I tried and tried to be that guy, but never seemed to get it right. At times I felt like, “why bother? she won’t listen anyway” at other times I demanded and expected her to listen as if I were a drill sargeant. particularly when things started going south.

Well, I’m about done for the moment, people have asked a number of questions over the past few days, perhaps this answered some of them. I’m sure some people will hate what I had to say, while others may love it. In the end it’s nothing more than my point of view, which regardless of what anyone thinks, it’s what I saw, what I felt. This all started again as nothing more than a comment and instead became a stream of thought, seems like that’s how my best writing occurs.

Till next time…

-Homis

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I’ve been looking at the admin page if the blog for days now wondering if I should do anything with it, or just delete it. There has certainly been  part of me that wanted to delete it, a feeling like it was a cruel reminder of what has occurred at the end, but on the other hand I see all the memories of the amazing times we had.

Why should I wipe all that out, in the end deleting it would have been something out of anger and spite, an act that I’m not inclined to do. I love viemoira so very much, and perhaps keeping the blog will allow me to keep those memories of the great times we had rather than have them wither and die.

I don’t honestly know how she feels at this point, but I get the impression that there is lot of anger. Then there is also another side of things, perhaps others just getting into the scene could see what we went through, maybe learn from the mistakes that we both made.

Lastly, the title says it all, it’s Homis’ Domain, why shouldn’t I use the blog to write about my thoughts, how I’m feeling, what I’m up to regardless if people read it or not. That of course isn’t saying that the topic will remain the same as it has been, but then again it could be about lessons I learn over time to be a better potential master in the future if one should wish.

Either way, I would be interested to hear what people think.

-Homis

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